Poetry and Prose

I’m not always very good at expressing (or controlling) my emotions, but for some reason, writing poetry and prose in my journals growing up always brought me solace. It is one of my oldest forms of therapy and the one I continue to rely on the most. I hope my words can bring you some sense of solace too. <3

the act of leaving

I was so quick to notice

All the ways this could go wrong

I took so long to make a choice

But trust me, I’m long gone

I never meant to hurt you

Though when I look back I see

All the ways you caused me pain

Always manipulating me

I was so quick to notice

But I wasn’t quick to leave

Now I’m thinking that I should’ve been

It’d be easy to grieve

If you’re feeling how I felt then

Pack your bags, get out the door

I know you’re feeling scared now

But life will offer you more

f l a m e

Like a moth to a flame

I am drawn to you

Knowing that the closer I get

The more I get burned

Searching for your light in the dark

Has always been a trap

But I keep flying towards you

Singed wings and all

With each flight, pushing myself

Further into your light

Knowing that one day, soon

I won’t fly at all

m e l t

I watched the ice melt in the glass

As you told me she was on hospice

I thought back on my favorite memory

Of her bedroom window frame

The one with the little flower

A sunflower that sang

“You are my sunshine”

And now I have to watch

As that light fades from your eyes

And the ice melts in my glass

A test of object permanence

One second here and gone the next

If only, it could be so simple

If only, I didn’t have to watch 

As the ice melts and the light fades

Watching and knowing the outcome

As I’ve seen too many times

Ice turns to water

And light turns to dark

And the earth just turns

As if nothing has happened at all

As if everything is as it was

Because we all melt and fade away

Even if you were supposed to stay

s u n d a y s

Did you always crave attention

During inopportune times?

Or was your pain brushed off?

Like “pray about it, you’ll be fine”

On Sundays, you stayed quiet 

Cause you knew you had to be

Or else you would be struck

And “it’s your fault if someone sees”

So you wore your favorite dress

And you pinned up half your hair

You sat quiet for the service

And you bowed your head for prayer

On Sundays, you were perfect

Just to make the family proud

You silenced all your feelings

Only making them more loud

your load

Let me bear your load, my friend

You carry far too much

A new load forming within you

Convinced you have no crutch

But that is just not true, my love

Although I know it’s hard

Though I may never understand

I’ll be your bodyguard

As darkness tries to consume you

I’ll shield you from its force

I’ll swallow clouds of blackness

If I can destroy the source

For you and little one to be

The world may seem so bleak

But you have won so many battles

You’ve never been weak

This one’s just like the other ones

But with light at the end

Although the light’s gone out, for now

You’ll soon have a new friend

caught off guard

Loved you for so long

But then I let you go

And though I’ve always cared

I’ve been too scared to let it show

But something that you said

Has got my gears spinning again

It’s not so deep but maybe

Things could work out in the end

what to do…

I came back to a ruined home

The floors are halfway rotted

But happy new year anyway

My stomach’s tightly knotted

I’m not sure what to do right now

This place can’t be a home

When I left, it was perfect here

Damage was so unknown

I went to celebrate

The holiday, now mourn the loss

Of my cozy cute apartment

And my favorite fuzzy socks

giving up

I’m seething as I write this

Due to your lack of respect

Not as if you don’t love me

But that’s still not proven yet

I believe love can be selfish

At least some in which I’ve felt

But respect requires selflessness

Those cards haven’t been dealt

“Respect and love go hand-in-hand”

At least, that’s what I heard

But the ways that I’ve been loved before

Have made that hard to learn

s e e t h i n g

I’m seething as I write this

Due to your lack of respect

Not as if you don’t love me

But that’s still not proven yet

I believe love can be selfish

At least some in which I’ve felt

But respect requires selflessness

Those cards haven’t been dealt

“Respect and love go hand-in-hand”

At least, that’s what I heard

But the ways that I’ve been loved before

Have made that hard to learn

s t u c k

Without you

I don’t know

If I’d want to

Trust someone else

The way I’ve learned

To trust you

To be honest

It’s one of

My favorite things

About you

But one single thing

Could shatter that

The thing that means

The most to me

Getting out

Getting unstuck

Getting away 

From the things

That made me

Feel stuck 

In the first place

Building a life

With a career

That makes me happy

And a home

That makes me happy

Rather than one 

That makes me feel stuck

the thought of leaving

Don’t you realize

That I love you?

I don’t want

Someone else

I just wish 

You would support me

Without fearing 

For yourself

If you hate

The thought of leaving

And there is

No other way

I’ve made it

Pretty clear to you

That I won’t 

Choose to stay

But I hate

The thought of leaving

Cause I never

Want to bear

A life without 

You in it

Isn’t one

I want to share

p l a n s

Sometimes I wish

We never talked

About plans

Cause every time

You hear what I want

You put it down

Say it’s too much

You question it

You question me

You say

You want something else

But you never

Want to leave me

To wind up 

With someone else

c o n t r o l

You tell me I’m controlling

I hate to say it’s true

Can’t logically deny it

When you look at things I do

I like to have a schedule

It makes me feel secure

And I like to know that later

You won’t still be so unsure

I’ve had my life mapped out

And now I’ve found a place for you

I’m certain that you’ll fit there

If you just choose to go too

And maybe it’s controlling

To plan out life this way

When you’re a different person

Who always wanted to stay

But I could never do that

For you or someone else

I guess I’m just controlling

I’ll resolve that with myself

d a r k n e s s

It used to feel so dark

Coming home

Even with every light turned on

Even after the best day

Once inside—

The light within me dimmed

I felt so stuck here

Like I was destined

To spend every night alone

In the dark

For the rest of my life

But things are different now

Even one small flame

From a singular candle

Provides enough light and warmth

To sustain me now

Because I’ve found the light within

I remembered who I am

How beautiful and brightly

My light can shine

And now I can sit in the darkness

Without a dark thought in my mind

fake niceness

I’ve never minded the fake niceness

I see right through it just the same

I could cut through all the small talk

But two can play at this game

I’m not that insecure

I won’t be shaken easily

I’d like to smooth things over

But it’s pretty plain to see

You’ll probably never like me

And I guess that that’s alright

But if you saw things my way

You’d see I’m not worth the fight

In your shoes, I’d feel the same

Because it sucks that you got hurt

But my intention wasn’t ever 

Just to leave you in the dirt

follow me

I just want you to follow me

Go wherever I am

I know that it sounds selfish

But I wish you liked my plan

I never want to budge on it

I know just what I need

It’s always been the same for me

Just want you to agree

I just want you to follow me

Go wherever I go

Cause even though my mind won’t change

Your heart still feels like home

coffee for lunch

My mother often judges

How I drink coffee for lunch

Because I’m too broke to have three meals

She says I should have money saved up for a rainy day

And of course, in theory, that’d be a good deal

I’ve never been the kind who’s good at budgeting pay

Spend my money on concerts and food

The things that I know will make my life sweet

With my friends who will brighten the mood

My mother and I

We see things different ways

I’m free-spirited; she remains tethered

Cause that’s how she’s always stayed safe in this world

After all of the storms that she’s weathered

s t a r v i n g

To be a starving artist

Should not be romanticized

For me it’s just an inability

To recognize—

When things are going well for me

I’m stuck still wanting more

Feeling as if my life is only starting

What’s in store?

Romanticizing future

Almost as much as the past

Still searching for a constant

Knowing nothing with me lasts

An endless pit of wonder

Always far from satisfied

Wishing for something greater

Always stuck on the wrong side

s i c k n e s s

Every time that I get sick

It reminds me just how much

I take normal for granted

This self-loathing body I live in

Never gives me time to reflect

On how much it’s working

Every day to keep me alive

As I contemplate my death

Day in and day out

Forgetting all the tiny little 

Processes going on inside me

Wishing I could make them stop

Only when I’m sick 

Do I realize how much

I need them to keep going

And how much I want to keep going

a little differently

I find myself looking at you

A little differently lately, a little hope

Here and there, as we talk for hours

Not unlike how we did before

But somehow, I’m left wanting more

It used to feel so casual

And now it feels so natural

To come back to it

Calling you back in the morning

Before my first cup of coffee

Wanting you more often

Than I ever used to, what’s changed?

What’s happened to the nature of us?

Where’s the platonic friendship gone?

Do you still feel it underneath?

Please tell me if I’ve read this wrong

And we’ll go back to it

s m u g

I’m so tired

Of fighting

All the time

To prove to you

And to myself

That I’m not crazy

When I’m only

Fighting for the right

To stand up

For someone else

I can’t keep on

Asking for time outs

When I know

You’re the one

Who needs them

As you sit calmly

Belittling me

Waiting for me

To flash back

And lose my mind

Once again

With that smug look

On your face

You’re just like him

How did I miss it?

i g n o r a n c e

How can you ignore it?

This blatant ignorance

You’re just supporting hatred

Though I’m being vigilant

I’ve sent you the receipts

You know exactly who they are

But they didn’t say it about you

I guess that’s not too far

But that’s my biggest issue

Cause you seem to be so blind

But if his words were aimed at you

Would you then change your mind?

starting to see it

I’m starting to see it now

What I once saw in you before

A man that seeks to please me

Doesn’t treat it as a chore

I’m starting to wonder now

Did I read into things too much?

Always triggered by my past

Was I just held within its clutch?

I think maybe I projected

Though you’re not quite innocent

You’ve still made your mistakes

Like acting too indifferent

Still some things we need to work through

But this time, I have more faith

Cause the challenge made us stronger

It’s starting to feel like fate

h a i r c u t

I think I used to know you

But you look different now

I kind of like your haircut

Didn’t keep the same old style

Tell me, is it just a haircut?

Or have you changed with it?

Did you just trim or are there—

Other things that are different?

I’d like to think I know you

Hopefully not as well

Maybe the haircut represents

A version of yourself

A version that can love

So much deeper than before

But is it hopeless believing

That maybe you could be more?

t r u c e

I ran 3 miles 

And cried the whole way

Moved quickly down the pavement

As I thought of what to say

Not an easy decision

But needed nonetheless

If we want to work out later

Got a few things on my chest

Geographically unhappy

In the place in which we met

A place you seem to love

But I just haven’t quite left yet

I’m not going to stay here

I’m not sure if that’s alright

Cause you mask your true feelings

When we’re talking late at night

But if we’re only doomed, my love

Then tell me, what’s the use

If you have made up your own mind

Then let’s just call a truce

e a s e

I’m not so worried

For now, at least

I’ve always felt hurried

But now, I’m at peace


Doing what I can

To be more at ease

Taking walks in the sun

Resting under the trees


It’s okay to rest

Take a minute to breathe

Lay down by the water

On a bed made of leaves

learning to let go

I’m learning to let go a bit

I’m learning to sit still

I’m trusting in the process

And living for the thrill

Not knowing where I’m going

But learning that’s okay

Cause life is always beautiful

In unexpected ways

s e l f i s h

I think in some ways

I’ve grown selfish

In search of a protective shell

Surrendered my old

Sacrificial ways

To heal myself

But maybe

I have gone too far

Become too cold to love

Because for me

Love has always been

Tied to giving up

But maybe

Now it’s time to grow

To let some people in

It has to be

The right ones though

And that’s where fear creeps in

s a c r i f i c i a l

I used to be so sacrificial

Always so quick to give up

Aspirations I have worked towards

Just to fill my lover’s cup

It seems that no one’s ever thankful

My life isn’t worth enough

I could take a bullet for them

And they’d still question my love

d w e l l

The way your tongue traced my piercings

And your hands met my waist

The way you kissed my lips so softly

I still miss the way you taste

If I’m honest with myself

I still do dwell on you a lot

I seek comfort in your energy

Convinced that you forgot

All the times we spent daydreaming

About later down the line

I have tried to give you space

But feel I’m running out of time

I can’t wait on you forever

Can’t dodge good guys in hopes of you

But honestly, all that I’ve wanted 

Is the past to become true

u n c o m f o r t a b l e

It’d be easier

To believe

That being together

Wouldn’t hurt

It’d be easier

To fall back

Into rhythm

But I think that

If we’re willing

To be uncomfortable

There’s a chance 

That things could

Turn out better

Than before

If we give ourselves

Some time to grow

Some time to heal

Our wounds

Maybe then

We can return

Without it

Feeling doomed


your sweater

Wearing your sweater

More than I should

Because it still

Smells like you

It’s losing its scent

Of cigars and teakwood

But you always 

Looked so good in blue

I think I’ll hold on

Just a little while more

Cause I know that

I’ll see you again

I’ll think back on the times

That we shared once before

Cause I know that

The love stays within

if only I were angry

If only I were angry

Then I could make it through

I’d know things would get better

For me, and for you too

But I’ve only felt empty

Cause you’ve done nothing wrong

Your only crime was trying

To hold onto me too long

I still just miss our routines

The evenings that we shared

Though filled with disagreements

I still knew how much you cared

We’re just two different people

Without much room for change

We live in different worlds

And they will never be the same

I don’t want to accept it

Although I know it’s true

There are better people out there

For me, and for you too

joy over happiness

I had to choose

My long-term joy

Over my short-term

Happiness

And even though

It hurts right now

It’s probably

For the best

It was easy 

To decide

But so hard 

To make it true

Cause every time

I think of love

Can’t help but

Think of you

I may have lied too

I’m just now realizing

That I may have lied too

In the beginning

When you said you were open

I said I could handle you

I didn’t mean to

I thought that I could

But the detachment

Is getting to me

I misunderstood

I thought you were different

I still thought you’d be

The man that I met

The first night

That’s on me

Not sure I can take it

Now that I have seen

Just how very distant

You can get

From me

a t t e n t i o n

To be honest, I liked the attention

The kind that I don’t get from you

I think that you’ve brought out my worst

And that’s something that’s hard to undo

To be honest, I craved the attention

I’d like to say this is untrue

After feeling neglect and rejection

It’s hard coming back home to you

p r e r e q u i s i t e s

I’m sick 

Of wanting men 

Who require 

The desire for sex 

As a prerequisite 

For empathy 

Because sex 

Is fleeting

Desire wavering

I need to require 

More prerequisites 

For love

g h o s t

I know that you see me

But you’re still a ghost

I wish you’d reach out

When I need you the most

Stayed up all night waiting

Thought you’d come around

Guess I was a fool

When it all boils down

I wish you would notice

I’m standing right here

Maybe I was the ghost

All along, so unclear

s i l e n c e // a n i m o s i t y

I wanted to feel it

I swear that I did

I wanted the peace

They say comes with silence

I thought we could have it

I thought that we did

But now animosity’s

Creeping back in

I’d like to believe it

That silence could bring

The peaceful emotions

But how can that be?

Cause every time I think

Silence is my friend

It brings in the worst

Of the feelings it can

I feel your resentment

You keep bottled up

While you sit there silent

Giving up on us

m a n u f a c t u r e d

I didn’t know

It’d be such a task

For you to be there

I didn’t know

You needed to

Manufacture empathy

For me to feel it

I thought it was natural

I thought it’d be easy

As it is for me with you

But I suppose

That’s just how I’m wired

I’ve never needed

To manufacture

Comfort or validation

For someone I care for

It’s just how I show up

It’s how I show I care

But you never had that

And I don’t want

To fault you for that

But I also don’t want

To raise a grown man

To teach another

How to love

To show them

What self-love

And empathy

Look like

To teach them

How to validate themselves

In order to get

The validation I need

But does that make me selfish

If I don’t want

To manufacture it either?

m e r c y

Getting down on your knees

Begging “mercy, please”

Swearing one day, you’ll be a better man

Every time that I leave

You let me be deceived

Try your best to convince me you can

But the strikes have run out

Can’t keep writing about

All the ways that you’re killing my spirit


Somehow seems that I’m cursed

Cause each love just gets worse

And that’s why I’ve taught myself to fear it

t r a p p e d

Trapped in a box

A routine of submission

My life’s been erased

By this brand new addition

I thought it was worth it

Somehow I forgot

That every time I try

To love, I get lost

Trapped in a role

That I wouldn’t have taken

I did it for love

I think I was mistaken

I thought it was worth it

I still wonder why

If you really meant it

Why wouldn’t you try?

lose myself

I always seem

To want to

Lose myself

In people

Let my wants

Needs 

Desires

Get swept up

In those of another

I struggle

To stay myself

To remember 

Who I am

And what’s 

Important to me

solid ground

I think we’ve found some solid ground

Though it sure took some time

Feels like we have found our pace

Like this time, we’ll align

I’ve learned to find peace in the silence

Something that was rare for me

Cause quiet used to be

The friend of animosity

I think you’re teaching me new things

Though I can be quite tough

You’re showing me a kinder world

Where I’m always enough

I think we’ve found some solid ground

Though it sure took some time

Feels like you accept me fully

And that’s hard to find

wounded

I’m angry with you

I was there

Never left

You did though

Constantly

And I went through it alone

But always forgave you

When you returned

Broken and needy

After he’d wounded you

Without a worry

Of what had happened to me

In the time you’d been gone

So yes, I went off on you

I let it all out

I should’ve held back some

But it’s just how I felt

After years of your turmoil

I’ve been pissed, I can’t lie

It wasn’t about that

I wasn’t mad at that time

I was mostly mad at the past

You went for months and never asked

Never apologized

So I won’t now

I’ll accept that it’s over

That I’m probably better off

I’ve found myself lately

When I thought that I’d be lost

are you just like them too?

Have I been tricked 

In some strange game?

Are you just like them too?

A twist in fate

Was I naive

To think I could love you?

I guess I could

And I still might

But not sure if I should

I just want you to

Listen fully

Hear me once, for good

I don’t think it’s

A big request

I don’t demand too much

I probably should

Push for more

But I just crave your touch

a small fleck of light

You broke the silence

Said something today

And sure it was simple

All you had to say

But it made me feel better

Few words were the cure

For my tormented thoughts

Since you walked out the door

Some slight hope was offered

A small fleck of light

Was all that was needed

To get through the night

p a y b a c k

Is it bad that it makes me feel happy

To see you there sitting alone?

Just knowing you’re living in misery

Brings me joy unlike I’ve ever known

Am I a bad person for hoping

You’ll suffer for more years to come?

Cause all the times you’ve screwed me over

Have left me alone feeling numb

I guess what I wanted was payback

For making me look like a fool

Cause I would’ve done anything for you

But my kindness was only your fuel

And I thought I’d get what I wanted

By seeing you lonely and sad

But can I really be a winner

If I still think “what could we have had?”

looking for problems

I think I’ve been looking for problems

Because of bigger ones at hand

While I dream of tiny apartments

You dream about acres of land

And sure, maybe that’s in the future

But why am I doing so much

For someone who might not come with me

Cause my lifestyle just won’t be enough?

You say I’m just looking for problems

And honestly, you’re probably right

Cause I’d rather just be your monster

Than someone who is worth a fight

h a p p y

You don’t want to see me happy

You just always want my tears

You don’t care about my laughter

What you most crave is my fear

I’m always backed into a corner

You’re not even the first one

But you seem to do things differently

You do it just for fun

I seek to make you happy

So I do it with my tears

And I guess you like it that way

Cause at least someone’s sincere

t h i n

But for you

I’d gladly

Spread myself thin

And for you

I’d let myself melt

Over and over

Again

unresolved

Silent tears

Through the walls

Because we left things

Unresolved

You close the door

I say your name

But you leave me

Just the same

f a n t a s i z i n g

Lately

I’ve found myself

Fantasizing 

About the one time

You decided to ask me

How my day was

But you could never

Make a habit of that

Because then, I might think

That you actually 

Cared for me

And who would want that?

t o o t h b r u s h

I still have your toothbrush at my place

Can’t seem to move it

Deleted from your life without a trace

I couldn’t do it

I don’t know how you seem to just let go

Just too much history

I guess it was just natural for you though

Moving on swiftly

in the back of my mind

I’m trying to refocus

But you’re still on my mind

And I’d rather you stay there

Because we left things undefined

I’d still like to think that one day

Maybe you’d end up with me

But for now, I need to bury that

You chose to set me free

Thought this was for the best

I thought it was what you’d want

For me to move on quickly

But it really took a lot

I didn’t do it easily

It took me quite some time

But here I’m still thinking of you

In the back of my mind

these things that you once said

I cannot get out of my head

These things that you once said

I seem unsure how to forgive

These things that you once did


I’d like to get out of my head

This maybe thoughtless text

To some girl who’s different from me

But it’s hard for me, you see

I just can’t be sure that you’re mine

And trust’s always been so hard to find

But am I just stuck on the problem

Cause I know that you’ll never be him?

I cannot get out of my head

These things that you once said

You just don’t know how to react

But I’ll try to be patient with that

before you

So many existed

Before you

And so many

Will exist after

I don’t need to worry 

About a goddamn thing

You ever said to me

So why does your voice

Play over and over

Like a broken

Sadistic record in my mind?

Why am I stuck

With the narrative

You left me with?

Still, after all this time

I seem to hear your voice

Even louder than my own


At times, I worry 

What if it never leaves me?

What if it’s always there?

Telling me, over and over

That I’m the crazy one

That anything I ever experienced

Was a lie

A fabricated reality

The bruises on my body

Figments of my imagination

The hours spent hidden

From anyone but you

They never happened

I was mistaken


Before you, I could trust

I could trust myself

I didn’t constantly wonder

Am I the one who’s crazy?

Is it all my fault?

Am I the reason it happened

Because I didn’t cooperate?

I often think

Was that the real mistake?

But I couldn’t have

And you shouldn’t have

I know it to be true

But after all these years

Feels like I’m stuck

Living with you

trying to mend

Maybe we’re not so broken

Maybe it was just me

I do often look for reasons

To end things seamlessly

I’d prefer it to be easy

If we were bound to end

But I probably shouldn’t give up

When we haven’t tried to mend

I like being close to you

I like to have your company

If I lost it all tomorrow

I don’t think I’d be happy

And I’ll be okay without you

If it all is bound to end

But I can’t keep running from it

When we haven’t tried to mend

r e s e n t m e n t 

                     pt. 2

I hate I feel resentment

Probably much more than you

I’m angry with you truly

And I’m not sure what to do

I still wish I could fix things

But you just make it so hard

You put so many walls up

And you’ve got so many guards

I hate I feel resentment

You won’t say you feel it too

But every time I look 

Into your eyes, I see the truth

the reason

The reason that it bothers me

Is cause he’s kind of right

I didn’t want to believe it

But you confirmed last night

We’re not secure quite as I’d like

And it’s too soon for that

But still, it bothers me to know

That this thing could fall flat

I reached for you to hold me

And you pushed me right away

The moment that I needed you

You just wanted to stray

And I just needed comfort

I just wanted you to know

The hidden parts of me

Because I wanted us to grow

The reason that it bothers me

Is cause it’s kind of true

Again, I’ve found myself 

Trying to fix myself for you

my skin

You shouldn’t be under my skin. I don’t know why I care. You clearly never did, so why are you stuck in my hair?


I don’t know why I let myself get fooled by you again. I should’ve known the first time, definitely by the second.


So why must you keep fooling me? I fall under your spell. Each time I think I’m doing fine, you slither back from hell.


You remind me that I’m small, tell me I’m weak, cannot defend. So what’s the point in trying to fight back? I see no end.


You shouldn’t be under my skin, don’t know how you got in. You’re a parasitic animal that feeds on all my sins.


one day

I hope one day you’re happy

You seem quite miserable

I don’t know who broke your heart

But since, it’s not been full

Refuse to see me happy

Like all the other ones

Cause if you ever had the chance

They’re not allowed their fun

You seem to be possessive

Although you can’t commit

You tell us we’re all unicorns

But you’re just full of shit

I hope one day you’re happy

You drop this pompous act

Look deep within your soul and see

That you’re on the wrong track

You’ll never find your happiness

If all you seek is praise

You need constant validation

From each girl who looks your way

I hope one day you’re happy

But likely, you won’t be

Cause you just seem to sit and try

To ruin things for me

h o n e s t y

You say you love my honesty

But how long will that last?

Cause every time someone has said that

That time’s come to pass

And sure, maybe you’re different

I’d like to think that’s true

Cause of all the ones I’ve met before

I’d like to think it’s you

to still think back

It hurts to still think back

On men who loved me less

They never cared for me

Only cared for my bare chest

It hurts to still think back

On ones who should’ve been

So obviously known

But you can’t tell by just a grin

It hurts to still think back

But I wasn’t to blame

Just as you are blameless now

Though we’ll never be the same

s p a c e

       This thing called space, what once seemed bad, might be better than what we had. You do your thing, I’ll do mine, and when we lay down, things are fine. I’ll still be yours, you’ll still be mine, and all it took was space and time. 

       I used to think that space meant danger, used to silent treatment, anger. But you’re different, kinder, stronger, maybe you’ll stand by me longer. Maybe if I just have faith, give you time, trust in fate, things will all turn out okay. In time, I’ll see, some space is fine.


you know just how to do it

You know just how to do it

Keep me at bay just enough

But not like it’s a punishment

We both have our own stuff

It leaves more room for growth

Room to flourish and to thrive

Less room for codependence

Maybe this time, love survives

But maybe I’m just naive

To picture it so fast

It’s harder by the minute though

I just want this to last

r e s e n t m e n t

I hate I feel resentment

I know you feel it too

I need you to communicate

It’s so hard to get through

I wish you’d open up to me

And let me see inside

I used to be so much like that

I had so much to hide

But if you’d only let me

I promise to be kind

Not hurt your fragile heart

Like all those who left you behind

i l l u s i o n

Love’s just an illusion

At least that’s what I’ve thought

I search for new conclusions

But always end up lost

Love’s just an illusion 

Each time I think it’s true

Someone starts to mess things up

Whether me or you

Love’s just an illusion

And I’m a fragile mess

So next time that you say you love me

Say it with your chest

why’s this always happen?

Why’s this always happen?

Is it me or is it her?

I know we’re not exclusive

But I kind of wish we were

And maybe I’m just crazy

For holding onto hope

When history repeats itself

Is love just out of scope?

I say I want things different

But push you into her

Cause then if you come back to me

I’ll know you’re mine for sure

s o f t e n

Why won’t you soften for me

The way I’ve softened for you

Your voice melts my strength away

And yet you seem to harden

With every step we take

h o s t a g e

Always kept me as your hostage

Locking me inside your closet

Never to see someone else

Wanted me always to yourself

Injured bird locked in a cage

Stole my life at a young age

Then afterwards, he spread a lie

“That girl’s crazy, she can die”

The worst part is that I believed it

Took so long to reperceive it

Felt so guilty for my struggle

Now I know you were the trouble

a f t e r t h o u g h t

You’ve been more of an afterthought

I never thought you’d be

But somehow as this week went by

It was so plain to see

That you were busy elsewhere

And I should just refocus

And somehow it’s been easy to

I’ve barely even noticed

You’ve drifted to the background

I feel guilty to admit

That I’ve been having fun

Don’t think I need another hit

one of few

I was one of few

He could empathize with

And that made me feel special

But it shouldn’t have

You should never want a man like that

A man with little conscience 

One who has to have

Some selfish reason to care

But that’s who I loved

That’s who I’ve always loved

And that’s why it’s so tempting

To stop loving

But I won’t let him break me

I won’t let my heart become

Cold like his

I’ll love myself daily

While I heal my old wounds

And remind myself

That I’m worthy

Of being loved by someone 

With the capacity

To love me as deeply

As I can love them

how naive

I used to wait longingly

For you to get out of the shower

It took longer for you

With your long luscious hair

I used to enjoy braiding

As you’d yell at your video games

I never stopped to wonder

If all that anger and rage could one day

Be directed towards me

pull back

Pull back

Cause you know

You’re not ready

Pull back

Cause you know

You need time

Pull back

And do some

More self help

Come back

When you think 

We’ll align

Come back

Though I can

Promise none

Come back

Cause you know

We’re not done

careful with your heart

I was so careful with your heart

Little did I know

It had already been broken

Far too many times

For me to ever save it

I carried it with such care

Not noticing, the bulging

The swelling, the beating

Out of time

It was clear 

To everyone but me

That you were broken 

Beyond repair

But I’ll still carry your broken heart

As if it were as fragile as before

Because I’m sure it was once

So beautiful

And I can’t help

But see it, still

In all its innocence now

your pain was my poison

Your pain was my poison

My love was your control

Always kept me coming back

Always left me wanting more

My pain was your medicine

Your love didn’t exist

Just a kid with no prescription

Getting dosed each time we kissed

shift focus

I guess I should shift focus

You’re clearly occupied

And someone else is open

Can’t say I never tried

I guess I didn’t fully

But wasn’t it quite clear?

After all the time I’d spent

I thought you’d know I was sincere

I guess I should shift focus

Now it’s clear to see it’s true

When he’s giving me butterflies

You’d never give me you

I hope you enjoy it

I hope you enjoy it, these last few years

As you get as much sex as you please

Bread-crumbing your way, a new woman a day

Thinking later, you’ll still meet their needs

Wake up, you’re aging, you don’t have much time

Just a player with no real connection

Hiding the signs of your thinning out hair

Behind manipulative games and rejection

I hope you enjoy it, you’ve got a few left

You could probably double your score

Does it make you feel good to know that you hurt them?

Or do you like hurting you more?

more than you could give

You looked through me

With searching eyes

As if trying

To figure out

Why I’d ever 

Stop entertaining you

You beautiful idiot

I deserve

So much more

Than anything

You could’ve ever

Given me

you’re the worst…

You’re the worst

Thing to ever

Happen to me

And my favorite

To this day

f e e l i n g l e s s

So concerned with not hurting your feelings

Though I’m half-convinced that you have none

Always feel I know just what you’re thinking

Though maybe it’s just what you’ve spun

You seem to know just what you’re doing

Though around me, I think you slip up

Still, I think you’re far too used to skewing

Stories that work to back you up

As much as you make me feel special

I worry it’s just what you do

It almost feels like you’ve had training

In knowing just how to pursue

I want to believe I’m not broken

You’re not just a new version of him

But the closer I look, the closer you get

To the painful past that I’ve held in

say that you miss me

Say that you miss me

Cause I know that you will

Just don’t play with my heart

Though I live for the thrill

You intoxicate me

Although I should know better

Wish I had stayed close

Miss your smell on my sweater

if only…

You’re so beautiful

If only I could trust

One single word

That fell from your lips

I feel so drawn to you

If only I knew

You had the capacity

For more than this

a warning

I’ve been the bad guy in this chapter. I can’t lie. Things don’t look good. I’d like to say it’s not my fault, “I’m just misunderstood.” But that would just be one big lie. I should know all too well. For I have always placed such selfish men above myself. I don’t know why I thought that this time things would have been different. I thought that maybe somehow this guy grew, he changed, he listened. But if I’m honest with myself, I always should’ve known. My friends, they tried to tell me cause they knew how much I’d grown, but I chose to lash out at them, defend the bastard’s name. Of course, it turns out they were right. I’m just part of his game. But I have pushed them all out in attempts to bring him in cause when you choose to stand by someone like that, your life ends.

i n d i f f e r e n c e

I guess I’ll take indifference

It’s better than to hate

I’d really hoped it’d all be fine

It’s probably too late

I probably can’t save it

I fumbled it too hard

But maybe by some random chance

I’ll be dealt some wild card

I’ll see you at some bar

You’ll be running the event

I’ll pretend not to notice you

I still fear you’re discontent

But maybe you’ll say hey

Maybe we’ll catch up some time

And maybe it won’t be so weird

Way later down the line

glass house

Why would you ever step inside

With windows oh so clear?

I’ve always had so much to hide

But just spill out of fear

No one would ever notice this

Or maybe so they would

For when your house is made of glass

You might be understood

But I’ve still yet to figure out

These glass walls that surround

For glass can sometimes be so clear

That safety can’t be found

the idea of you

The idea of you still lingers in my mind

I miss it still, that feeling of hope you gave me

I haven’t had it since I left that day

And isn’t that depressing?

I wish I could go back and change things

Somehow, make myself a better match for you

Because it should’ve been perfect

It should’ve been everything

My mind built things up so much for so long

I miss it still, that feeling before we lost it

That a love like that was possible

That a love like us could last

new perfume

I’ll wear my new perfume

To not remind you of the old me

I’ve got some new tattoos

I’m different than I used to be

You wore the same old shoes

Same floral button down

Same familiar scent 

But without the same old frown

You seem happier now

You seem more confident too

The things that were once missing

Are now a part of you

The same familiar person

The same familiar scent

But the things I’d always wanted you to fix

You’d fixed within

maybe it’s not so bad…

Maybe it’s not so bad

Conversation not so deep

People come around from time to time

And what is it they seek?

They used to be much grander things

More an ordeal than a favor

But now it’s just these little things

Like “wanna get food later?”

I kind of miss the deeper talks

The ones like we once had

But one day they could have these too

Maybe it’s not so bad

living with it

I can’t decide if I should mute you

To be blunt, it seems I should

Not because I don’t still care for you

I do, it’s just not good

To always see your updates

When I’m trying to get by

I’ve still just been left hanging

And even though I know why

I don’t fully understand it

Because through all of this time

I’ve always tried to give you grace

Not let you see that side

And the one time it wins out

The one time I let it show

All my fears confirmed at once

No one can let it go

u n a v a i l a b l e

You love that I’m what you are not

As honest as they come

As gentle as a summer breeze

As sweet as your spiced rum

But you could not love me that way

The way I could love you

I’ve always been so quick to love

For you, that’s just not true

You showed me who you were that night

Though words may have conflicted

I thought you had an open mind

Just too much pain inflicted

I guess I should have listened to

That deeper intuition

If you really start to question things

You know it’s a dead mission

v a p o r

If I could be vapor

I think then they’d love me

Intangible thing

That they wish they could grasp

But I am the earth

Unshakably steady

Reliable thing

My love’s hard to unclasp

If I could be vapor

I’d float through existence

Free-spirited thing

Never locked in the past

But I am the earth

Immovably grounded

Unchangeable thing

Whose worries outlast

words came before music

The words came before the music

And the words were what carried me

They always came so naturally

They never struggled to fall out

Whether from my lips or my pen

The words have always found a way

And the words are what carry me still to this day

suffering in silence

Sometimes I’d rather suffer in silence

No music to numb the pain

No melody to cloud my weeping voice

No hope to gain

Let the pain swallow me whole

Fill me up with despair

Cause every time that I’ve been drowning

No one’s offered air

It might be easy to surrender

Let myself give in

To the dark intrusive little whispers

That want it all to end

But as easy as it all may seem

To end things as they are

I know I’ve got more life to live

I’ve only come come this far

So easy as it all may seem

To give up and give in

Please take a moment, take a breath

And search for light within

a l o n e

I’m always left alone

When I need them the most

Why do the ones I love

Always have to go ghost

All I need is some care

Some love and attention

But a simple call or a text

Is too much to mention

I don’t want to push

These people away

I know that they care

In their own strange old ways

But I care so deeply

I’d never ignore

Someone’s calls if I loved them

Especially if they’d called more

It hurts if I’m honest

I feel so alone

I try not to tell them

So my pain stays unknown

oddly at peace

As I lie awake tonight, I can’t help but feel so inexplicably excited. Excited for what the future holds. Whether it’s what I want to happen. Or something entirely different. It’s going to be magical. In its own wonderful way. Just as I am. Just as you are. We can’t predict it. And we can’t control it. But we can experience it to the fullest if we allow ourselves to let go of the outcomes. Let go of our perceived desires. Because at the end of the day, most of us don’t know what we want until it hits us. See what hits you today.

men like you

Men like you

Just crave power

And why must I want

To crumble so badly for you

But it’s all because you

Remind me of him

In some small ways

And not in the bad ways

You are like him 

In the ways 

That made me love him

The ways that made me stay

You have his charm

The same charm

That had me hooked on him

Has me hooked on you

trust issues

Did I judge you too quickly

After one thing that you said

Even after sparks were flying

Let it get into my head

They say your gut won’t lie to you

At first it said you’re kind

But then you seemed to backtrack

Before making up your mind


I’d like to believe you

The man I see today 

He seems so much realer

And so much less afraid

So much more accepting

Of himself and what’s within

He says he wants to know me more

And I want more of him


I’m just so scared to trust it

No matter what you say

But I just have to wait for you

To prove it through the days

Maybe you’ll leave me broken

As I’ve been left before

But I won’t let this one chance go

It just might be something more

o v e r t h i n k e r

It happened so fast

I couldn’t see it coming

I wasn’t looking for you

But then you came running

It’s never happened like that

And I’m so scared it’s a lie

I should stop overthinking

But it’s hard when I try

Perfect words

And perfect kisses

All the hugs

I hope he misses

I can’t fake it

I can’t play

It’s time to throw

The games away

exposed

I used to give so much

Leave it all out on the stage

But after all this time

I’ve just stopped feeling safe

He made me feel so exposed

With no permission to give

That being seen like that

Seems so hard to outlive

I can’t run away though

Can’t give up on my dreams

I can’t let him win now

Easy as that may seem

I’ve got to be stronger

I know that I am

I’ll push through this fear now

Get back to where I began

Bonnie

It’s hard to write

Now that you’re gone

It’s something I’ll get used to

But every day

When I get home

Miss coming in to greet you

Always there

To cheer me up

To give a listening ear

And though you never had a choice

In what you had to hear

You always seemed to know the ways

To make me feel so loved

I hope they make you feel the same

In your home up above

casual little games

I’d be lying

If I said 

I didn’t enjoy

This silly little game we play

The one where we pretend

This isn’t anything more

The one where you wait

The proper amount of time to reply

The one where you’re sure

Not to send too many things

To keep the ratio right

But your name could appear

Any time, and I’d take it

It always brings a smile

But I’ll play along

And adamantly deny that 

If you ever ask

 that’s okay, run away

That’s okay

Run away

Just like everyone else

I always give some reason

If I’m honest with myself

I’m a bitch, I’m a child, I’m a selfish lover

I’m a snitch, I’m a fraud, and so many others

That’s okay

Run away

Cause I know I wouldn’t blame you

In fact, I’d probably do the same

If I were wearing your shoes

Cause I’m too much, need a crutch

And it’s probably too much pressure

But that’s okay

Run away

Cause this bitch is her own treasure

 

 How are things?

In theory, things are good

I’m living out my wildest dreams

Doing things I’d always wanted

Going places I’d always wished I’d go

And yet, I still hold this emptiness

Inside me, everywhere I walk

I find that I feel aimless

Lost, without a mission

No hope for a higher purpose

Just here, pointlessly here

But in theory, things are good

 bad at being chill

I’m bad at being chill

I don’t know how

Not to say how I feel

I wish I were mysterious

But I am quite the opposite

If you know me

You know all of me

Until you know the worst parts

And then you leave

Like everyone else

And I have no one to blame

Except for myself

 

 simple

Things with you feel really simple

Low maintenance can be feasible

We keep our distance

You stay believable

No reason to question

Someone who means less

Keeping you further

Means no knife in my chest

 hope

Something about you feels safe

Like I’m fully secure

There’s no logic behind it

Just that your heart feels pure

And I could be wrong

Just as I’ve been before

But every time we talk

I’m left wanting more

You’ve been more reliable

Than people in the past

I’ve always had to question

How long that will last

But I guess what I’m saying

Is I'm starting to have hope

That not every relationship

Will go up in smoke

 

 easier

If I’m honest

Some days

Are easier

Than others

Some days

I just cook and clean

All my worries away

Until you’re gone

Like my hands

Are rinsed clean of you

But I can never be

Completely free of you

I’ll always be stuck

With some sticky residue

And that’s what hurts

Even if I don’t always notice

It’s always going to be there

Under the surface

 o v e r s h a r e r

I’m too direct

Can’t keep it in check

I’ve never had the will

Try to keep it in

It’ll bubble from within

And erupt if I don’t let it spill

I don’t know what to say

Know it pushed you away

And I know it will only continue

I don’t know how to stop

Hardest habit to drop

But I hope that one day

 I will learn to

 

back to myself

And slowly, but surely

I’ll pick up the pieces

And find my way

Back to myself

Again

 new parts

I had to make myself uncomfortable

In order to find new parts of myself 

Parts of myself

That you could never find

Parts of myself

That didn’t exist then

Parts of myself 

That I hadn’t yet discovered

 

 Don’t let them burn you out

It’s so easy to get wrapped up

In the little things

The people you need to convince

The situations you need to control

But you can’t convince anyone

And you can’t control anything

Just give yourself one minute

To take a few deep breaths

And remind yourself that it’s okay

To slow down, to relax, to truly be still

Stop telling yourself

“You have to be productive”

All of the time

That’s where dreams go to die

Don’t let the world burn out your flame

Take a break when you need it

Whether a walk or a meal

Just don’t let the world turn you 

Into a robot of your field

 Recklessly

Sometimes it’s easier for me

To live life recklessly

Sometimes it feels more free

Not worrying about tomorrow

Not worrying about next week

Not worrying about my wallet

I’ll buy another drink 

Next round’s on me

Don’t worry about the Uber

Please, ride for free

I’m just down for a good time

I don’t care if it lasts

     Never felt I had much time

Cause of how I spent the past

I come off so joyful now

So bubbly, filled with light

But no one sees the way I feel

When I’m alone at night

It’s easy to act happy

It’s easy to act free

It’s easy to throw on a smile

And live life recklessly

 

 I hope you find a better me

I’m sorry that I left you. I’m sorry that I left when I should’ve known you would’ve stayed. You were probably the only one who ever would have, and I ran away. I couldn’t take the pain of what I’d been through anymore. It haunted me nightly. I hadn’t faced it yet. I couldn’t do that with you. I had to grow, move on, move past it myself, before I could ever spend my life with anyone else. But of course, then I wasted time on men who loved me far less, men who reminded me of him. I’ve always imagined it impossible to find someone like you, one who cares so deeply, who devotes themselves so fully, protects so loyally, but maybe one day. Maybe one day, I’ll find a better you, and surely, you’ll find a better me too.

 the ones who matter <3

Surround yourself with the ones who matter

The ones who make you feel like you matter

The ones that love you when you can’t love yourself

The ones that show up when there’s nobody else

 

 heavy day

Today is heavy

I can’t explain why

There’s just a certain density

To the air that surrounds me

The people who pass me

Seem so much better off

While I’m convinced

I just look lost

 Dear Beautiful Narcissist

I don’t know if you ever knew me

Like really truly knew me

I feel like you didn’t see me

Always so desperate to relieve me

Only you were never needed

Just for once, wish you’d conceded

Always left me so defeated

All my energy depleted

Made me think I was the problem

You, the only one to solve them

Never wanted me to blossom

Hurtful words disguised as caution

And after all of that abuse

You just left with no excuse

No, you never told the truth

You just wasted half my youth

 The Usual Haunt

Have you ever felt like you were a ghost? 

That feeling of being invisible, to even yourself

Floating through the halls with no aim in sight?

Sometimes I get this way at night

Staring at the ceiling for an hour

Before surrendering to it again

Dragging my feet as I walk

Down the hall to the right

Up the stairs and into the one safe place

The place where the dark side of me

Is free to collide with the other half of me

A place where I can feel everything

A place to create beauty from pain

It’s a place to cry in the dark of night 

A place where weeping is welcome

A place where I can be all of me

A place I can be free to sing and to write

The place I go at night

 Goodbye Forever

I’ve found myself becoming jealous

Not of her, but of the life you could have together

A life I fear I’ll never have

What is it like to hold each other 

Knowing that you’ll get to hold on forever?

How does it feel to know that you’ve committed to a life together?

I worry that you were my one shot

The only shot I’ll ever get at forever

You’ve found your forever in someone new

And I’m still stuck wondering if my true love will ever come through

I thought my life would be different by now

That I’d have it all figured out

But I don’t know what I’m doing

And I don’t know why I’m doing it

I’m just trying to survive

Meanwhile, you’ve found someone who makes you feel alive.

 

 The Funeral

I remember the rain like it was yesterday

Drops fell gently from the sky and splashed onto your casket 

Before rolling down the sides and watering the soil

It was as if the sky was crying with the rest of us

I remember carrying with me the lyrics to Amazing Grace

All day, I carried them, glancing down so I wouldn’t forget

Yet I still had to read them when I stepped up to the podium

The shock was too strong to remember anything

I’ve never seen someone go so quickly

One minute here, the next in heaven

They always say that losing someone changes you

There’s no way to comprehend but to feel for yourself

The loss of you sticks with me more than anything else

 08/19/2021 12:08 - Stuck In Time

It’s almost like I’m stuck in time.

I live through the same exact cycle over and over again.

I meet you, over and over again. 

Every time I get excited about something new,

I end up with the same old burns. 

Getting vulnerable feels like a sin. 

I know I messed up in the first place,

But why haven’t I learned my lesson over time? 

Why do I continue to relive the same old life?

I moved on from you, but this feels like a lie.

 

 a poem for the dark days…

There are days I refuse to rise out of bed

Days I can’t seem to escape my own head

The sun could be shining bright as ever

Still I can’t bring myself to move whatsoever

My body feels as if it’s going to collapse

If I wait till it’s over, how much time will elapse?

 About Ali

How is it that now that we’re together

I feel more alone than ever

Looking for some sense of hope

Affirmation seems to be outside your scope

I try setting the example

Staring deeply through your eyes

Telling you how proud I am

Is where my nature lies

I ask for just a little

When I feel I give a lot

I’ve only tried to see inside

But always end up lost

I’m so scared of our future

And what it could behold

I could lose your love forever

How’s one hold something so cold

Can’t imagine a worse outcome

What a dreadful life it’d be

To spend my love on just one man

Who won’t say he loves me